Is this helping me become the good ancestor I want to become?
"It is not simply a question of finding time to write--one also writes against time, knowing that life is short."
- bell hooks in her essay "Women Who Write Too Much" from her 1999 book, Remembered Rapture: The Writer At Work
Dear Good Ancestor,
On New Year's Eve, half an hour before the clock turned us over into 2021, we received some tragic news.
One of my uncle's had passed away.
Death always comes in it's own set time, but never at the time we want it to be (which is never at all).
My family and I were of course shocked and devastated. The first thing we say in Islam when we hear somebody has passed away is inna lillahi wa ina illaihi rajioon. The Arabic to English translation of this is: "from God we come, and to God we return." I see it as a way of reminding ourselves that death, while devastating for those of us who are still living, is not the end.
My uncle was one of my mum's older brothers. Both of my parents come from large families with many siblings. My mum has twelve other siblings who are spread out all over the world - Tanzania, Zanzibar, Oman, England and Wales. My uncle was the first of her siblings to pass away, which added another layer of devastation to his passing.
Though I did not get to spend much time with my uncle while he was alive, I feel grateful that his presence was there.
He was one of the first people to meet me in the hospital on the day I was born. He visited me on my first birthday. Although the last time I saw him in person, I was seven years old, he has checked in on me from time to time over the last couple of years. And more recently, last year when he saw me and my book featured in the news and press, he let me know how proud he was of me, and how much he loved me. Those memories of him, though few and far between, are what I'll always cherish. He is now one of my transitioned good ancestors, and his legacy is love.
His passing of course meant a very sober transition into this new year.
There was so much death in 2020, and part of wanting that year to end was a desire to leave that all behind. But of course we have taken it with us, partly because death will always be a constant in our lives, and partly because we have not yet made it out of the pandemic. In fact many countries are in the deepest pit of it now as I write. My heart is with you if that is your reality.
These three events - the sudden passing of my uncle, the turn of the new year, and the continuation of the pandemic - led me into deep existential reflection. Knowing that death is inevitable, knowing that our lives are still upended by COVID, knowing that the world is changing so fast, what are my priorities? How do I want to live while I'm still alive? What matters to me most? What is most essential?
Part of being a good ancestor, I believe, is living with the knowledge and acceptance that our time here on earth is limited.
And that we have the responsibility to choose what we want to do with the life we have, and with the time we are given. Knowing that when we are gone, we leave behind a legacy for those who are still alive, and that our legacy will be a direct reflection of the choices we made when we were alive.
With this all in mind, the choices I am making this year are to strip back the non-essential so that I can focus on what is most essential.
In his 2014 book Essentialism, Greg McKeown calls this the "disciplined pursuit of doing less, but better". I have shared with my team that, after a few years of very rapid growth and change in my career, my desire now is to slow down, to simplify, and to select only that which is most important to me to focus on. And to do those things in a way that honours all of who I am - not just Layla the author, Layla the podcaster, Layla the speaker. But also Layla the mother, Layla the wife, Layla the friend, Layla the daughter and sister, and of course, most importantly of all, Layla the person.
Back in August of last year, after the whirlwind of the Black Lives Matter global protests following the death of George Floyd and the sudden explosion of Me and White Supremacy into public discourse, I found myself feeling emotionally hopeless and physically compromised. I sought the support of a wellness coach, and the consultation of a medical doctor. And after many tests, I was shocked to find out I had some underlying health conditions that needed my immediate attention.
Since then I have been working with my wellness coach and naturopathic doctor (my amazing dream team of healers) to change my lifestyle, do the inner healing work, get natural therapeutic support, and make changes to my life that allow me to focus on what's most important to my surviving and thriving. I'm glad to report that I'm in a much better place now, thanks to the intentional choices I am making and the support I am receiving. I want to be a good ancestor who lives a long and healthy life, so that I can use more of my time to do more of what matters.
I share all of this because I want you to understand that this idea of becoming a good ancestor is not just an aspirational, pie-in-the-sky, wishful thinking quote that makes us feel good but doesn't come with any action.
Becoming a good ancestor is something that we actually have to practice in our everyday lives. Through the day-to-day choices we make, the things we choose to focus on or not focus on, the ways we allow ourselves to deplete our lifeforce energy and precious time, or focus on what is most essential.
Becoming a good ancestor is something that we keep front of mind. It is something that we use as a north star to guide us on whether or not we want to spend time on a certain activity, opportunity, creation, or even relationship. It's a filter that we can use to see ourselves in the world, and how we choose to interact with the world.
"Is this helping me become the good ancestor I want to become?" is a question that I am using to filter through what things I want to spend my time on.
Will writing everyday help me become the good ancestor I want to become? Yes.
Will doom-scrolling on Instagram help me become the good ancestor I want to become? No.
Will packing my calendar full of meetings and events help me become the good ancestor I want to become? No.
Will being intentional about saying Yes to the events and meetings that are most meaningful to me help me become the good ancestor I want to become? Yes.
Will regularly spending time alone to think, reflect, ideate and create help me become the good ancestor I want to become? Yes.
Will spending time connecting with my loved ones help me become the good ancestor I want to become? Yes.
Will spending time intentionally building and nurturing community help me become the good ancestor I want to become? Yes.
And then of course there are other things we do that aren't about being a good ancestor, but we do them anyway because we are human beings, not perfect robots.
Watching Community and The Queen's Gambit on Netflix won't help me become a good ancestor, but I do them because they help me relax and bring me joy. And that is how I make space for Layla the person, too. Even while staying cognisant of the fact that it's important to make our lives meaningful, it's also important to just… live. That's a beautiful part about being human too.
The important thing, I think, is that we do so choicefully.
That we remain aware of the rarity of our individual existence, the preciousness of our time, and the gift of our freedom to choose what we want our lives as a whole to represent. And then to live with that awareness, knowing that the choices we make abut how we spend our time one earth will reverberate for generations to come.
I believe that you are here, reading this letter, because there is a deep part of you that desires to become a good ancestor.
To leave a legacy of love, healing, transformation, justice, kindness, and service to humanity. I want to leave you with the question that I ask all our podcast guests that I believe will support you in deciding what is essential to you, and what is non-essential as we continue to traverse this already tumultuous year together:
What does it mean to you to be a good ancestor?
It is only with the deep awareness and understanding of what your personal definition of good ancestorship looks like that you can begin to make more mindful and intentional choices about how you spend your time this year and beyond.
As bell hooks says in the opening of this letter, it's not just about finding time to do what is most essential to us. It's also about choosing to do what is most essential to us, knowing that our time is limited, and that how we choose to use that time matters.
In closing, I want to remind you that today we celebrate the legacy of one of the greatest good ancestors of modern history, Martin Luther King Jr.
MLK and the (recognised and unrecognised) people who worked with him tirelessly to create a better world and a better future used their time here on earth to focus on what was most essential to them and to us, their beneficiaries. Without their intentionality, their courage, their single-mindedness, their love, their righteous anger channeled into powerful action, where would we be today?
As we celebrate him and his legacy, remember that he was a human being just like us. And he and those with him chose to use their time to do what was essential.
We can too.
Layla
This letter is dedicated to the loving memory of my uncle, and to the precious lives that have been lost as a result of the coronavirus pandemic.